I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You are the jesus of drinking
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
