Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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