Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I woke up under a house in Key West
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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