glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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