when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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