I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
