That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
