i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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