I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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