dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
is it fun? or sober?
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