Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
