Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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