I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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