I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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