I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
When are your genitals available?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
