its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
