If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
