it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
