but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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