he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
