Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
