i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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