They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
