drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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