Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
