can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
