Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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