My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
