I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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