There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize