i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
