At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
you made out with another girl for some wings
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
