I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
