I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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