tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
