Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
