Please, let me fuck your mom
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
