Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Randomize
