I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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