I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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