you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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