Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
