the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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