Your face is a jimmy john
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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