I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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