i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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