Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
