I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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