I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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