there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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