dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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