I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
