I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
