apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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