if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
