cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
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