Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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